She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
