Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
