and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
