dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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