I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Are we still banned from the library?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
