you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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