I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
this boner is exhausting
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
