somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
