Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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