4 words: hood of his car
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
