So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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