I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
