allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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