i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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