Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just cropdusted the office
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
