I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
