we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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