I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
