in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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