: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
