im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
