yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
