She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
