We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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