dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
