Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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