No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
