i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Help. Why am I so naked?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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