Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
