the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I am one with the molecules
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
