Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Someone shattered a urinal.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
