alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
