Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
