they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
im six kinds of drunk right now
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
