We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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