Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Randomize
