I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
