My underwear smells like fireworks.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
