Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
