My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
