After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
