Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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