I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
