I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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