he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
