I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
