Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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