there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
