Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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