She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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