It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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